Dear Readers,
As a long time fan of Charles Rocket's work, I have always felt
that he
emanated someone with a sense of humor and he was a person who
was able
to see the humor in many different things. Some may have
found
his humor to be a bit out there, but he was always someone who
gave me
food for thought amidst his humorous persona. His
performance as
Adam was case in point to that misunderstood humor that this
remarkable
man created.
In observance of his birthday, I wanted to present to you this
little
story. It took a great deal of time and reflection for me
to find
the gumption to write and present this. Somehow, I felt a
bit
fearful that it would come across as being somewhat crass.
Then I
got to thinking that perhaps Charles Rocket would understand the
rationale behind my writing this. So it was with this idea
in
mind that I felt encouraged to present this to you. I
have,
beside his name in the top of the story, inserted a little
cross.
That is a sign in Germany that the person has passed on, but to
my way
of thinking, it is a reminder to all of us as to how much he is
missed
and how much, even today, he has inspired.
I hope that you will enjoy this, and that you will see the
legacy of
laughter that this remarkable person left with us.
Namasté,
Yvette
The User’s Guide and Manual For
Adam, Angel of Death Model
Copyright Actors Ltd.
Charles
Rocket ( 
)
Chief Technical Advisor
CONGRATULATIONS!
Thank
you for ordering your very own Adam, Angel of Death Unit! By
purchasing this unit, aside from a few interesting evenings at
Chez
Tess, you may find yourself positively enthralled with the
prospect
of accompanying this angel Unit to a dinner consisting of ‘Turkey
Like Substance’ or to taste some of the Tess Unit’s famous
pheasant. Of course, it would be wise, in the former case, that
you
not attend whilst two women are fighting over the same man.
Something
rather unexpected could transpire as a result of it, and
you would not want to get caught in the crossfire. A chandelier
falling on your head might actually be preferable.
No matter, if you read and follow the information in this user’s guide, then you should have no trouble whatsoever with this particular unit.
TECHNICALITIES:
Unit Name: Adam (Although the Monica Unit has been known to call him ‘impossible’, he does not generally go by any other name.)
Type: Male
Species: Angel (not human, although he looks very human, he is not one.)
Manufacturers: Celestial Realm Incorporated
Height: about two meters, over six feet.
Weight: Somewhere between 190-210 pounds
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Salt and Pepper gray (see adaptations)
Adaptation: There are three versions of the Adam Unit, the 1994 original version with short wavy graying hair, the 2001 version with same short hair, but a beard covering his chin, and the 2003 version with wavy close to the shoulder graying hair.
ACCESSORIES:
Your Adam unit will be shipped to you in a beam of light from the Celestial Realm. He will be clad in a light gray colored suit and tie, his hair will be neatly combed. He will be glowing in a whitish or yellowish white light. In his pocket he will carry a golden pocket watch that will enable him to arrive punctually to your house or to the residences of his assignments.
He will come complete with a turkey key chain and an auto mechanic’s overalls with a patch with his name conveniently embossed. Also included in your shipping order will be the latest in tools so that he could take care of your automotive needs. Standing at your Adam Unit’s side will the Alexander special Turkey Unit and a plate stacked high with his famous ‘turkey like substance’ and ‘pheasant under glass’.
MODES:
Your Adam Unit comes in three modes.
Normal Mode: This is how your Adam unit generally is: Calm, cool, and collected 92.47 percent of the time. When you are freaking out about something, your Adam Unit will do his best to lighten the mood with jokes about death and dying, and will also accompany you to special political functions and Thanksgiving dinners. Of course, if you are afraid and worried, as was the case with the Serena Unit, then he will no doubt respond with a hug or a plethora of kind words.
Glowing Mode: This is pretty self explanatory. Adam Units glow when telling their assignments that God loves them, or when he is getting ready to take someone Home. The glowing generally comes in a whitish color since Adam’s existence happened before the Father upgraded to energy efficient yellow light. The white glow, does generally bring out the color of the Unit’s eyes, so be warned if you are easily prone to swooning. Do not be alarmed if your Unit starts to glow while in a restaurant. Of course, it would be wise to make sure you are not requiring the Heimlich Maneuver, or are situated near any potentially hazardous chandeliers.
Upset / Worried Mode: Adam Units, like any Angel of Death Units, do not like to see their assignments give up hope. Of course, they are not exempt from feeling the horror that comes with the hazardous slaughtering of turkeys. The noble turkey, as passed down to Adam from Benjamin Franklin, might bring him into this mode whenever the topic of sending a turkey to its eternal resting place is even mentioned. This mode generally annoys or otherwise aggravates the Tess Unit.
STATES:
Introduction State: When you first meet your Adam Unit, he will be polite, but he will generally start making jokes about death and dying to conceal the overall discomfort of that particular moment. If you are hanging out at ‘The Sign of the Dove’, then your Adam Unit will be easily impressed if you try drinking ginger ale and freshly squeezed orange juice together. His musical abilities at the piano will somehow draw you in, even if he did learn to play at funerals.
Getting
To
Know You State: After getting
past
the somewhat strained introduction state, your Adam Unit will
want
nothing more than to get to know you, talk to you, and even
spend
time discussing the meaning of life with you. Mixed in with a
few
jokes and light hearted dialogue, you will find him to be very
nice
company, even on those evenings when he is stuck in the kitchen
stirring. A willingness to stay in the kitchen will no doubt wi
n
over your Adam Unit.
Angel of Death State: This is when your Adam Unit is the most serious. He is after all, first and foremost an angel, an existence which he takes very seriously. In this state, Adam can and will take all living things to Heaven. If you see him in this state, make certain that you are not in the process of doing something dangerous or crazy. If you have been exposed to prolonged viewing of your Adam Unit in this state, then you may already be on the verge of going Home, so you might as well enjoy the trip, and trust that your Adam Unit will make the journey as entertaining as possible. Just be warned that if you distract him with the bonus round of ‘Wheel of Fortune’ that you will make him late for his next case, and that could upset the whole celestial apple cart.
Passive State: This is the state that your Adam Unit will have because he cannot get involved in free will. This is a state that is woven into all Angel Units, and cannot be changed. He could joke about it, but he knows that the decision is ultimately yours. Do not, we repeat, do not take this as though your Adam Unit doesn’t care, because he does. This passivity is a part of all Adam Units programming, so don’t blame him if you mess up. Basically, you’re going to have to live with the consequences of your own actions.
OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:
Your Adam Unit is really quite easy to operate, and you should not have any problems with the overall unit. Although we do recommend that you read the ‘FAQ’ or ‘Troubleshooting’ sections if certain problems happen to arise. If you have any problems, please let us know so that we can put out an alert for other Adam Unit owners.
ADAM ANGEL OF DEATH UNIT SKILLS
Angel:
Your
Adam Unit is an experienced Angel of Death. As such he is a
messenger
of God, and takes his role and faith very seriously. He will do
whatever he can to help you accept the love of God in your heart
and
will not only assist you in death, but will also offer his
assistance
in life. As with all angels, he embraces life to the fullest,
and his
sense of humor is a sure sign of that enjoyment.
Singer:
Although
he has the skills as a pianist, he also has a talent with
singing. His
rendition of ‘Sunrise, Sunset’ is always a crowd pleaser,
although the rendition is often said to be too darn short for
most
people’s tastes. So, rest assured that your Adam unit will be
more
than able to entertain you and your friends, and his pleasing
baritone would be an asset to any choir.
Adaptability:
Because
your Adam Unit must blend into his environment, he has the skill
of
adaptability. That is; he can do just about any job, his
favorite is
automobile mechanic, his least favorite is sending turkeys to
that
eternal resting place. He has often said that he has experience
with
things that cease to function, so he is most definitely a handy
unit
to have around the house. Aside from the
unnecessary destruction of
turkeys, there is no job too embarrassing or difficult for your
Adam
Unit to tackle. Of course, he could be prone to refusing to help
clean up the kitchen after Thanksgiving dinner, so be prepared
for an
adamant ‘no’ to that particular request. Ask yourself if you
really could blame him for that.
CLEANING:
Cleaning is something that your Adam Unit can handle on his own, although we recommend he use the ‘Angels Haven’ shampoo (as with the Andrew Unit) to make his hair extra shiny for those days in 'Angel of Death Mode'.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Q:
My Adam Unit has been getting a
bit
rebellious. He has been doing handyman work, speaking with a
Russian
accent, and smoking excessively. What should I do? I thought
angels
had rules about smoking.
A:
Absolutely right, there are rules about smoking, but you do not
have
an Adam Unit, you have been given the Steve Moscow Unit*. These
units are generally very flip and unwilling to do anything but
smoke
cigarettes and annoy your friends. For an Adam Unit, please call
1-800-YA-NE-GOVOROO-PO-STEVE-MOSKVA. (Literally, I don’t speak
Steve Moscow.). Of course, if you can get Steve Moscow out of
your
house without blowing the place up, we’ll send you two Alexander
Units free of charge with your next Adam Unit order.
Q:
I have a problem with my Adam Unit, he’s walking around dressed
in
a cape and even has strange vampire fangs. Now, I may be a fan
of
‘Moonlight’, but I don’t get this. What’s wrong with Adam? Is
this
another mistakenly sent Unit? I just got rid of Steve
Moscow, now this…
A:
Your Adam unit got accidentally switched with the Hocus Pocus
Dadcula
Unit. Now, while he may be a gas at parties and like to dance,
we
can understand your annoyance. You want an Angel of Death Unit,
not
a guy who can dance all night. Call
1-800-ADAM-UNIT-IF-YOU-PLEASE
and we’ll get that discrepancy corrected.
Q:
All the oranges in our house have miraculously vanished, what
gives?
A:
You have discovered your Adam Unit’s weakness. Check around to
see
if he has been meeting with an Andrew 2000 Unit for ginger ale
and
freshly squeezed orange juice. If that is the case, then might
we
suggest that you start drinking something else like Mountain
Dew?
TROUBLESHOOTING:
Problem:
My Adam Unit has spent countless hours reading manuscripts and
stories online. Before, he would shout ‘Oh Father in Heaven,
No!’
as though having a nightmare. Now he won’t do anything except
stare off into space. I know that he was never shipped, but
somehow
I have seen something about him and Tess, and that just gives me
the
heebie-jeebies. What is the story here?
Solution: A Tess and Adam shipper is the story, and the only thing we can suggest is for you to take the manuscripts away from him immediately and monitor closely how he is spending his time online! This sort of thing is a far cry worse than the ginger ale / orange juice mix. They basically scramble the Adam Unit’s circuitry beyond belief. If that happens, there is only one thing to do, give your Adam Unit several months of psychological treatments with our Sam Unit. You can order a Sam Unit by calling 1-800-I-NEED-A-SAM-UNIT-NOW and we’ll send one out straightaway.
Problem: Now my Adam Unit is hugging the Monica Unit and it’s totally grossing me out.
Solution: If their behavior is more than platonic, then there is trouble in paradise after all. You have, essentially, every reason and right to be concerned! We’ve already had more than our share of nightmares with Andrew and Monica Units getting cozy. If any of the angel units get too cozy with each other, then we will have no other alternative then to stop production of them and start making more Turkey Units. At least they know how to behave, even if they do tend to eat your socks. Not to worry, though, we have not gone that extreme with it, and the Sam Unit is very reliable and helpful in that sort of situation.
Problem: My Adam Unit has been depressed for several days. He withdraws into himself and seems to be very unhappy. Is this normal? I want to help him, but because I don’t gobble and have feathers, I fear he may not respond. What should I do?
Solution: If it is around Thanksgiving, then it is sadly quite normal, but also very nice that you have noticed this particular situation in relation to your Adam Unit. Although Adam Units are quite good at offering a compassionate response to situations beyond their control, it is nice when the Units can be on the receiving end of such actions as well. A hug will generally help remind your Adam Unit that he is not alone and that someone cares for him (platonically, of course). The general reminder that God loves him makes the Angel Units just as happy as it makes the humans they share that truth with.
FINAL NOTES
Although there may entail some problems with owning of an Adam Angel of Death Unit, we feel that on the whole, you have purchased a product that will have long years of compassionate and interesting (as well as humorous) dialogue and friendship. The Adam Unit (and other Angel Units) will make your life interesting, but it will often be difficult. Just keep the troubleshooting sections at close range and then there should be no problems.
We wish you years of happiness with your Adam Unit, and remember, God Loves You!
*Reference to Charles Rocket's appearance on the show “King of Queens.”
"Clark
bars!" I
exclaimed. 