CONGRATULATIONS!

Thank you for ordering your very own Tess, Supervising Angel Unit! The Tess Unit will supply you with hours of interesting dialogue and give your booty a firm kicking if you step even a pinky toe out of line. Just like your mother, only more huggable. If you read and follow the information in this user’s guide, then you should have no trouble whatsoever with this particular unit.

TECHNICALITIES:

Unit Name: Tess (although sometimes she goes by Miss Tess)

Type: Female

Species: Angel (not human, although she looks very human, she is not one.)

Manufacturers: Celestial Realm Incorporated

Height: Unknown

Weight: Unknown (And we wouldn’t dare ask, a woman’s age and her weight are two topics no one should discuss, even if said woman is an angel)

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Black (see adaptation)

Adaptation: Over time the Tess Unit’s hair has evolved from curly black to curly gray. You can order a Tess Unit with any of these adaptations, but all of them are guaranteed to come with wisdom, kindness, and an extra helping of TLC.

ACCESSORIES:

Your Tess unit will be shipped to you in a large box from the Celestial Realm. The box has to be large to make way for all the Tess Unit’s wonderful jewelry accessories. Unlike the Monica Unit, who has dainty sorts of earrings and necklaces, the Tess Unit has at least twenty broaches of various sizes, large earrings, many of which have angels, stars, and other forms on it. The Tess Unit loves her jewelry, so it would be advisable to not take any of it away from her, or she’ll give you one of those famous Tess looks. If you don’t know what we mean, then you may want to look into acquiring your own Joe Greene Unit. If you still don’t know what we mean, then we recommend you acquiring a Sam Unit.

Along with the Tess Unit, you will be sent a classic Cadillac convertible. Before you freak out and think you’ve won the lottery, the Cadillac is about the size of a matchbox car and sits on the box that keeps the Tess Unit’s various accessories.

MODES:

Your Tess Unit comes in Four Modes.

Normal Mode: This is generally how your Tess Unit will behave. She will come to you with a friendly smile and a gracious embrace. Just make certain that you stay away from angel conventions and that you not try to affix wings or other paraphernalia onto her or the other Angel Units, and you’ll get along famously with her.

Singing Mode: There is no contradicting the fact that Tess Units live to sing. She sings, hums, or otherwise makes music at any given hour of the day. She has her way of livening up any room with a few hymns of praise, and bringing hope to downtrodden Blues musicians as well as anyone who needs a bit of musical encouragement. There is nothing musical that Tess Units cannot do; whether it be directing a choir, making presentations as the ‘Countess’, or helping her Angelic Charges through a tough day with a song about God’s endearing love. If you ask your Tess Unit, we are certain that she will sing a few bars for you, and if you enjoy music as much as she does, then you’ll find perfect harmony with her.

Glowing Mode: Self-explanatory. Tess Units glow when they are telling people the messages that God wants them to know. When in this mode, you will know that your Tess Unit truly cares for you, and sometimes at the end of her message, she will delight you with a wonderful hug that Tess Units have become famous for.

Upset Mode: If you get your Tess Unit into this mode, look out, there’s trouble. She rarely gets downright upset, but when she does and you’re the cause of it, you could get that mean-eyed-glare from her that would generally take an act of God to get beyond. We refer you back to the Joe Greene Unit.

STATES:

The States of the Angel Units are generally the same, but with a few altercations.

Introduction State: When you first meet your Tess Unit, you will be drawn in by her overwhelming warmth. She will most likely call you ‘baby’ and take you under her wing and help to guide you as any mother (or grandmother depending on your age) would do. She will tell you about faith, and try to teach you about labyrinths, or her car. She will generally not have any problems with you as long as you not lie to her, take drugs, try to immortalize angels, drink too much coffee, or steal her jewelry.

Getting To Know You State: Once you have gotten to know your Tess Unit, you will quickly learn that with every relationship, there are boundaries to heed. Your Tess Unit will be very quick to remind you of those boundaries, and she will stick a Sam Unit on you if you do not heed said boundaries. She will be there for your children, help them write letters to God, but will also sit with them and hold them while they cry. She will look out for lost children who get hurt in accidents while Andrew Units stand idly by with a ‘duh’ look on their faces. Most importantly, she will be the bearer of God’s love, which brings us to the next State.

Supervising Angel State: This is when your Tess Unit is most serious (or more serious than she usually is). She is, after all, first and foremost an angel of God, and takes her role as Supervisor very seriously. She can, for this reason be a tad bit on the bossy side when an assignment or one of her charges does something stupid. Keep in mind, although Tess Units can be extremely bossy, they are that way because they love you and don’t wish for you to get into trouble.

Comforter State: Throughout the course of Angel Supervising, your Tess Unit has become well equipped to act as primary comforter to you as well as to the angels under her wing. She has the ability to make a mother see when she has treated her son badly, while at the same time, giving a man a piece of her mind for neglecting his son. There is no limits to the amount of comfort that a Tess Unit can expel when the time is at hand. She is cuddly like a teddy bear, warm, musical, and with all these assets under her belt, your Tess Unit can make any cloudy day seem rather sunny and happy with just the wave of her hand.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Your Tess Unit is really quite easy to operate, and just for the record, she will tell you if you are doing something wrong, so not to worry. Of course, that makes her especially user friendly, but don’t expect her to operate a computer, she prefers a quill and scroll any day. Of course, if you have any problems with this Unit, please let us know so that we can put out an alert for other Tess Unit owners.

TESS SUPERVISOR ANGEL UNIT SKILLS

Angel:
Your Tess Unit has years and years of experience, but don’t even inquire as to her age, because her typical response will be ‘Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread’. As with issues of weight, Tess Units are extremely sensitive about their ages, so the best thing for you to do in that regard is not to inquire. Just ask your Andrew Unit, and he will give you the low down on that particular detail. Of course, with age comes wisdom, and Tess units are very, very, very, very (you get the idea) wise. Incidentally, the author of this manual is still recovering from a thwack to the head for writing that. As a result, we are not legally responsible for you getting thwacked for asking, so a word to the wise…don’t!

Singer & Public Speaker:
Tess Units are very good singers, they have a very pleasing alto voice that could not only help increase the section of your local choir. She also has the ability to stand up on stage and belt out a few tunes as well. Tess Units have a knack of moving a crowd, not just with her singing, but also with her commanding voice. Of course, it would be wise to be careful that you don’t trick people into thinking you are a Martian, because then she will have to deal with the Dotte Unit and be taught a few lessons in etiquette.

Adaptability:
Your Tess unit does not always adapt to change as well as the Monica or Andrew Units, in fact, she has been known to drag her feet with regard to them. That does not mean that she is not able to adapt to working in different situations. Having been a Caseworker Angel Unit once upon a time, your Tess Unit has had to cope with change and adaptability, but that was a long time ago.

Chef
Tess Units like to cook, and although some may think that a date could go up in smoke with other Angel Units not eating her pheasant, Tess Units are quick to adapt and create a culinary masterpiece that literally leave the Delmonico Units gasping for breath. She can back you up for any event, and has been known to ‘specialize in the impossible’.

CLEANING:

Cleaning is something that your Tess Unit can handle on her own, so hands off. Tess Units love their personal space, so, leave her with whatever she asks for and the rest will be done. Tess Units always look great, so you haven’t a thing to worry about.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: My Tess Unit has been hanging around a group of fellows with weapons and other things. They have already blown up a part of my living room. I am starting to wonder if she’s even an angel at all and am starting to get concerned about my well being. Should I be worried?
A: Not at all, you did not get a Tess Unit, somehow your order got switched and you ended up with a Mrs. Baracus unit. Mrs. Baracus Units tend to hang around with BA Units as well as Hannibal Units, Face Units, and even Murdock Units. This is rather unsettling for you, we are certain, but all you have to do is call us at 1-800-I-WANT-A-TESS-UNIT-YOU-SILLY-FOOLS, and we’ll send you one straightaway. However due to one of our buildings getting destroyed by the A-Team Units, we will not exchange these Units. If you have a Mrs. Baracus Unit, then you’re stuck, so sorry.

Q: My Tess Unit has been doing something rather strange, she has been encouraging the romantic feelings between my Monica and Andrew Units. Now I find that to be really weird, but am not sure what to do about it. Any suggestions?
A: We have been trying to do something about this sort of situation for months and this is sadly a very common problem among Tess Unit owners. Because Tess Units are always trying to be as loving and accepting of her ‘Angel Babies’ as a Supervisor can, she has somehow gotten a fly into her logic chip that says that angels are like humans and can be romantically involved. We will have more on this in our troubleshooting section. You have probably discovered that this problem is not just an isolated incident.

Q: My Tess Unit has been acting rather weepy lately. She returned home this afternoon, packed her twenty pounds of jewelry, and is planning to leave. I am really worried about her, what is going on?
A: This is, sadly a not such easy problem, and an even harder solution. Your Tess Unit has made a mistake and has been put in her place by an irate Sam Unit. Keep in mind, please, that your Tess Unit, although an angel, is not perfect. Only God is perfect, so if this incident happens, just remind her that God still loves her, and that the Father knows she is not perfect. It might help too if you sing a few hymns to her, and that should make her feel better…that is if she has not left yet.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Problem: My Tess Unit seems to not have any problem with my Monica and Andrew Units having a relationship, in fact, she has been known to look for closeness with my Adam Unit. Now that is seriously crossing the line, these are angel Units, not Seventh Heaven Units. What’s going on.

Solution: This seems to be a problem for all angel Unit owners. Your Tess Unit has obviously been on Earth too long and probably needs to get some time off at Home. She has obviously integrated herself so much into the Human condition that she has ceased to see that the other Angel Units as angels, and instead has started to see them for what they have devolved into, lovesick nitwits! Our suggestion is to order our Sam Unit, who has not been brought into this dangerous form of conditioning. Call us at 1-800-SEND-SAM-ITS-A-MATTER-OF-LIFE-AND-DEATH and we’ll send one to you free of charge. Since we seemed to have put these bugs in the Units, it should be us that help you get them out.

Problem: She’s still getting too close to my Adam Unit, and I don’t like it. I’m the Adamdrooler, not Tess. That whole bit gives me hives. What can I do?

Solution: We recommend calamine lotion for the hives! What you can do is send both Angel Units back to us with an explanation describing what is going on. Since Adam and Tess are an item that we have not yet heard about, it would be prudent for you to include whatever information you can provide on this obscure behavior. With that said, we can only offer our sincerest apologies for making your life as crazy as it is with lovesick, drooling, angels hanging about your neighborhood. If it continues to happen, maybe you can call the Channel Six news team and put a flea in their ear about it being a big story. Bad publicity might actually put this into some sort of perspective. Otherwise, we’re as clueless as you about what to do about it.

FINAL NOTES

Although there are still some problems with owning a Tess Supervising Angel Unit, we feel that on the whole, you have purchased a product that will have long years of compassionate and interesting dialogue and friendship. The Tess Unit (and other Angel Units) will make your life interesting, but it will often be difficult, so don’t say we didn’t warn you. Just keep the troubleshooting sections at close range and then there should be no problems.

We wish you years of happiness with your Tess Unit, and remember, God Loves You!