CONGRATULATIONS!

Thank you for ordering your very own Monica, Caseworker Angel Unit! By purchasing this unit, you may not necessarily have an angel to drink Irish Coffees with, but she’s still a lot of fun. That is as long as you don’t go frequent the karaoke bar scene without the Andrew Unit (complete with star on his cheek) in tow. Of course, there exists a 89.475 percent chance of getting arrested and ending up behind bars, but that’s another story in and of itself. If you read and follow the information in this user’s guide, then you should have no trouble whatsoever with this particular unit.

TECHNICALITIES:

Unit Name: Monica (Although the Tess Unit sometimes calls her ‘Miss Wings’, there has been no proof to verify that that is really her last name.)

Type: Female

Species: Angel (not human, although she looks very human, she is not one.)

Manufacturers: Celestial Realm Incorporated

Height: 5’4”

Weight: 105 pounds (About 55 Kilograms)

Eyes: Brown

Hair: Red (see adaptation)

Adaptation: There are three versions of the Monica Unit, the 1994 original version with long wavy red hair, the 2000 version with medium blonde hair (discontinued), and finally the 2002 version with a shortened shoulder length red hair.

ACCESSORIES:

Your Monica unit will be shipped to you in a beam of light from the Celestial Realm. She will be dressed in a flowing white colored gown, and supplied with a pair of jeans and blouse for the days when she is not sharing God’s love with her assignments. She will be sent with a small cappuccino machine and twenty pounds of the finest Coffee blends on the planet. Supplied with your Monica unit, you will be sent a diary to keep up with your Monica Unit and her caffeine intake.

Aside from that, your Monica Unit will be sent without any extra charge a spare set of keys to be used with the Tess Unit’s prized Cadillac. This should be used for emergencies only. The Andrew Unit did once steal the Tess Unit’s car, and all heck broke loose, so be careful, responsibilities are privileges not rights. She will also be sent a pair of shoes, although you will probably never see her wearing them.

MODES:

Your Monica Unit comes in four modes.

Normal Mode: This is the Monica Unit’s typical stance; bright, cheerful, optimistic and sometimes too happy for words. If you wish for a more subdued and attitude enhanced Angel Unit, there are a number of Tess and a few Angel of Angel Units still available. Of course, the one exception to that normal mode is when the Monica Unit lost her memory and got accused of stealing money from a phony Bible salesman.

Caffeine / Alcohol Overdose Mode: Monica Units rarely are in this mode, but it is important for you to note that if she has too much, then she could catch serious grief from the scowling Tess Unit and that alone could prove dangerous. So, switch her intake to decaf, and that should solve any problems she might have with the law or, worse yet, with a Tess or Sam Unit.

Glowing Mode: This is pretty self explanatory. Monica Units tend to glow when telling their assignments that God loves them. The glowing generally comes in a yellowish or white haze, thus bringing out the color of the Unit’s flowing red locks of hair. Of course, the first Unit version had a much lovelier white glow that makes her look far more angelic than being stuck in the yellow light district. We believe that this could be the result of the Boss cutting down because of the overuse of Electricity. Hard call, but the first edition Monica Units are nearly sold out, so you may want to act fast or you’ll be stuck with the 2002 version. Of course, if she accidentally spills it on herself, then she could experience the ‘blues’. Send her to Club Indigo IMMEDIATELY!

Upset Mode: Monica Units generally fall into this mode when something like suicide or failed assignments happen. There could be a number of reasons that trigger these emotions in your Monica Unit, some of which being suicide, discomfort, or hurt pride. Our suggestion is to give your Angel Unit a Decaffeinated Mocha Latte, and that will end her upset mode and revert her back to the normal Mode.

STATES:

The States of the Angel Units are generally the same, but with a few altercations.

Introduction State: When you first meet your Monica Unit, she will be kind, friendly, somewhat naïve, but also warm and caring. Make sure that you have unplugged your karaoke machine and stored it in the basement. Either that or invest in a pair of earplugs. Since Monica Units love to sing, she will want nothing more than to go and serenade your kids. If you have no kids, she’d be more than happy to share her abilities with you.

Getting To Know You State: After getting past the politeness of introductions, your Monica Unit will want nothing more than to get to know you, preferably at a table at Starbucks with two extra large sized decaffeinated mocha lattes in front of you. Monica Units are extremely caring and considerate, but they are also very sensitive. As you get to know her, make sure that you can handle the mood swings that she may have. But not to worry, any time she gets weepy, you can generally cheer her up with an invite to Starbucks, or allowance to access your cappuccino machine. In this stage, don’t be surprised if your Monica Unit removes her shoes and starts wandering about barefoot. This is completely normal, but make sure you keep up with those shoes or the Tess Unit will have a fit!

Caseworker Angel State: This is when your Monica Unit is most serious. She is, after all, first and foremost an angel of God, and although has switched departments rather frequently, she is presently a Caseworker, which she will explain to you if you bother to ask. Although she is not an Angel of Death, she has done some assignments where the person in question dies and she helps them, but her sensitivity chip generally goes bonkers if in that state for a too long of a time period.

Passive State: This is the state that your Monica Unit will have because she cannot get involved in free will, even though often times she does, and one time even lied about it to protect the Scott Walden Unit (as seen in ‘Groundrush’). As with the Andrew Unit, if you are on the verge of doing something stupid, all she can generally do is tell you about it. This does not mean that your Monica Unit does not care, because she does…sometimes so much that she is brought to tears and then needs an Andrew or Tess Unit to comfort her so that she will not short out. Or worse still, start hanging out with the Driver Unit. That would be a mess and a half. Whatever the case, don’t even think about blaming the Unit if you mess up. She generally has enough problems to contend with, without yours being added to the mixture.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Your Monica Unit is really quite easy to operate, and you should not have any problems with the overall unit. Although we do recommend that you read the ‘FAQ’ or ‘Troubleshooting’ sections if certain problems happen to arise. If you have any problems, please let us know so that we can put out an alert for other Monica Unit owners.

MONICA CASEWORKER ANGEL UNIT SKILLS

Angel:
Your Monica Unit, depending on the model you order will depend on how experienced she is with her task of being an angel. Of course, no one can complain, as she tries really hard to fulfill her duties, even though the coffee thing will take a bit of getting used to. Regardless of her level of experience, all Monica Units are extremely competent as angels, not counting the Halloween when an entire town thought she was an alien from space. Otherwise, she can handle the job 99.79 percent of the time.

Singer:
You’ve got to be kidding! This is the Monica Unit, not a Tess Unit.

Adaptability:
Because your Monica Unit must blend into her environment, she has the skill of adaptability. That is; she can do just about any job. Some of her past jobs included: nurse, weather girl (just don’t get her to rattle off about coffee on a rainy day), school teacher, counselor, or caretaker. There is no job too embarrassing or difficult for your Monica Unit to tackle. Of course, we might warn you that making her a homeless woman would not be advisable unless you are ready to humiliate her, and we all know that you would not want to do that.

Poetry Reader
Monica Units, although not good with singing, she can recite poetry rather nicely, and her lovely voice is always pleasing to the senses when she begins to read Irish Blessings. There is truly nothing like the soothing Irish lilt and the words of the blessings she bestows when she reads these lovely gems aloud.

CLEANING:

Cleaning is something that your Monica Unit can handle on her own, although we recommend that she not wash her hair too much because at any length, ladies do have a tendency to get split ends. Any of the expensive shampoos that you get in the nice boutiques are fine for her, but make sure that if you have color protecting shampoos on hand so that she can take care of her assignments and not always be out getting her hair done.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: My Monica Unit has been getting a bit too cozy with the Andrew Unit, is this normal?
A: No, this is absolutely, undeniably not normal. All Monica Units are capable of being platonic friends with Andrew Units, but that is where we have to draw the line. The only thing we can recommend is for you to separate the two units until early spring 2037, pray, throw salt over your left shoulder and meditate that your angel unit will continue to act like an angel. If this persists regardless of your praying, call us at 1-800-MONICA-IS-ACTING-LIKE-A-LOVESICK-NINNY and we will be able to advise you further.

Q: My Monica Unit has been eating jalapeno peppers straight from the jar. It is starting to get silly around here. What can I do to change her eating habits?
A: We’re afraid you cannot do much, be grateful she is eating something as disgusting as peppers and not all the chocolate covered cherries in your house. If you are intent on getting her away from the peppers, might we suggest you inviting her for a super-sized decaffeinated steamer at Starbucks?

Q: The Monica Unit has been acting like a class A wimp. She’s acting all weepy, her voice cracks when she tries to speak, she’s saying horrible things like the world or the Father has abandoned her and it’s starting to sound like she is sinking into a serious depression. What should I do?
A: Limit her online time. Your Monica Unit has no doubt run across fictional presentations where she is depicted as a wimpy weakling. The best thing to do is take her to a Judo class and sign her up for self defense classes. If that doesn’t work, boost her morale by getting her into self-confidence workshops. As a last resort, you could send her to six weeks of boot camp…or better yet, just let her sit with a Tess Unit for about twenty minutes, and that should get her back to normal. If that doesn’t work, buy yourself a Ronald Unit and see who is more confident than whom.

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Problem: My Monica Unit has been swooning endlessly over Andrew. She talks to herself about how cute and friendly she is. I hate to say it, but I’m getting downright jealous, is there something going on? Quite frankly, if I wanted more competition for my Andrew Unit’s attention, I would invite my older sister over for a visit.

Solution: It seems as though it is now time for you to separate both Units, call us at 1-800-GOD-THEY-ARE-DROOLING-OVER-EACH-OTHER-AGAIN, and we will send you, without any further charge or obligation, a specialty Tess Unit to try and talk some sense into both of these Angel Units.

Problem: But I already have a Tess Unit, and she seems to approve of both of these Angel Units’ strange behavior. Now my Monica Unit is sneaking off to meet my Andrew Unit in closets and this is really freaking me out. I don’t want Monica drooling over Andrew, that’s my job!

Solution: To repeat what we said in the Andrew Unit guide, There goes the neighborhood! Our suggestion would be to send all Angel Units back to us and we will see about fixing them up. Be sure to check the chip just underneath your Monica Unit’s ears if she begins acting bizarrely. If it has pink colored fluff ball, then it is too late, she has already been infected with the COOTIE-Virus and that is highly contagious, not only for all female Units, but for all females in the general vicinity. You may have to change states if this happens…We hear that Cincinnati is nice. Of course, the affects it has on the male Units has yet to be determined. Our Adam Unit seems immune to it, and this is why the Monica Unit always calls him: Impossible!

Problem: My Monica Unit has been acting rather unhappy and depressed during the past few days. What is the matter and is there anything I can do to cheer her up? I’ve tried everything, and not even a decaffeinated mocha latte seems to help.

Solution: It is sadly quite normal for your Monica Unit to feel a bit under the weather, and we wish that we could do something to help matters, but sometimes you just have to be patient and let your Monica Unit overcome these issues in her own free time. The general reminder that God loves her will sometimes make this particular Angel Unit feel better, but if she is feeling a deep sense of remorse, then allow her to pamper you a little bit so that she will feel herself again. Above all else, just be patient with her while she works through these things.

FINAL NOTES

Although there are some problems with owning a Monica Caseworker Angel Unit, we feel that on the whole, you have purchased a product that will have long years of compassionate and interesting dialogue and friendship. The Monica Unit (and other Angel Units) will make your life interesting, but it will often be difficult. Just keep the troubleshooting sections at close range and then there should be no problems.

We wish you years of happiness with your Monica Unit, and remember, God Loves You!