CONGRATULATIONS!

Thank you for ordering your very own Andrew, Angel of Death Unit! By purchasing this unit, you may not necessarily have an angel on hand to take you Home, but the journey through the getting to know you phase should prove interesting nonetheless. If you read and follow the information in this user’s guide, then you should have no trouble whatsoever with this particular unit.

TECHNICALITIES:

Unit Name: Andrew (Although the Tess Unit sometimes calls him Mr. Halo, there has been no proof to verify that that is really his last name.)

Type: Male

Species: Angel (not human, although he looks very human, he is not one.)

Manufacturers: Celestial Realm Incorporated

Height: 6’1 ½” (about 2 meters)

Weight: Somewhere between 170-190 pounds

Eyes: Green

Hair: Sandy Blonde (see adaptation)

Adaptation: There are four versions of the Andrew Unit, the 1996 original version with semi-long hair, the 1998 version with very long shoulder length wavy locks of hair, the 2000 version with very short cropped hair (often mistaken for the Adam 1995 Unit), and finally the 2002 version with a neat hair and goatee.

ACCESSORIES:

Your Andrew unit will be shipped to you in a beam of light from the Celestial Realm. He will be clad in a dove gray suit, hair neatly combed and possibly glowing in a haze of yellowish white light. In his pocket he will carry a golden pocket watch that will enable him to arrive punctually to your house or to the residences of his assignments. A green shirt and blue jeans will also be included in your shipping order so that the Andrew Unit will not have to wear his suit all the time. This will also enable him to be comfortable on those days when he does not have to work.

Along with your Andrew unit; you will also receive one of the following: a football, a tool belt, or a drool bucket. Please specify which accessory you would like when placing your order. If you forget or do not specify what you would like, then you will receive the general mime outfit (From ‘Voice of an Angel’ episode) complete with make-up and silver star for your Andrew Unit’s cheek.

MODES:

Your Andrew Unit comes in three modes.

Normal Mode: This is how your Andrew unit generally is: Calm, cool, and collected 97.8 percent of the time. When you are freaking out about something, your Andrew Unit will behave as though all is right in the world and he will respond to your worries and concerns with a hug or a plethora of kind words.

Glowing Mode: This is pretty self explanatory. Andrew Units tend to glow when telling their assignments that God loves them, or when he is getting ready to take someone Home. The glowing generally comes in a yellowish or white haze, thus bringing out the color of the Unit’s eyes. Do not be alarmed if your Unit starts to glow out on the street. But it would be wise to check and make sure you’re crossing the street at a cross walk or not walking under ladders.

Upset Mode: Andrew Units, although generally calm and collected will often display being upset. This generally happens when emotions are high. There could be a number of reasons that trigger these emotions in your Andrew Unit, some of which being the mention of Halloween, being called ‘Death’, a child in mortal danger, or talks and threats of suicide. Results could vary from violins getting smashed, computers getting bashed in by a baseball bat, or the Unit’s complete withdrawal. This is especially dangerous when stairs are around. Somehow, and for reasons we cannot explain, a staircase tends to have an especially adverse affect on all Andrew Units.

STATES:

Introduction State: When you first meet your Andrew Unit, he will be polite, but in order to get on his good side, refrain from calling him ‘Death’ and under no circumstances should you mention the word ‘Halloween’. If you mind these two rules, your Andrew Unit will eventually warm up to you and become comfortable in your presence.

Getting To Know You State: After getting past the politeness of introductions, your Andrew Unit will want nothing more than to get to know you, talk to you, and even spend time discussing the meaning of life. If you are especially lucky, you might be able to coerce your Andrew Unit to have dinner with you and thus discuss the CS Lewis theory about the baby in the box, dance the rumba, or sip champagne in the cozy interior of Chez Tess. The only thing you must remember while getting to know your Andrew Unit is that he has an aversion to egos and self-importance, so try not to be too self-absorbed and the dinner should go over famously. It is important to note that during this state, all Delmonico Units be kept away from your dinner arrangement. Learning the Heimlich Maneuver before going might actually prove helpful if said situation happens to arise. This generally happens only 2.5 percent of the time, so maybe you’ll be lucky in that regard.

Angel of Death State: This is when your Andrew Unit is most serious. He is after all, first and foremost an angel, an existence, which he takes very seriously. In this state, Andrew can and will take all living things to Heaven. If you see him in this state, make certain that you are not in the process of doing something dangerous or crazy. If you have been exposed to prolonged viewing of your Andrew Unit in this state, then you may already be on the verge of going Home, so you might as well enjoy the trip, and trust that your Andrew Unit will make the journey as comfortable as possible.

Passive State: This is the state that your Andrew Unit will have because he cannot get involved in free will. If you are on the verge of doing something stupid, all he can do is tell you, but the decision is ultimately yours. Do not, we repeat, do not take this as though your Andrew Unit doesn’t care, because he does. This passivity is a part of all Andrew Units programming, so don’t blame him if you mess up, you’re going to have to live with the consequences of your own actions.

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS:

Your Andrew Unit is really quite easy to operate, and you should not have any problems with the overall unit. Although we do recommend that you read the ‘FAQ’ or ‘Troubleshooting’ sections if certain problems happen to arise. If you have any problems, please let us know so that we can put out an alert for other Andrew Unit owners.

ANDREW ANGEL OF DEATH UNIT SKILLS

Angel:
Your Andrew Unit is an experienced Angel of Death. As such he is a messenger of God, and takes his role and faith very seriously. He will do whatever he can to help you accept the love of God in your heart and will not only assist you in death, but will also offer his assistance in life. As with all angels, he embraces life to the fullest.

Singer:
Although he has the skills as a singer (at least that is what he has claimed), he might start singing ‘Danny Boy’ at the drop of a hat, although very few have witnessed this talent at all. We cannot guarantee that he has a remarkable singing voice, but it’s worth the gamble, right?

Adaptability:
Because your Andrew Unit must blend into his environment, he has the skill of adaptability. That is; he can do just about any job. Some of his past jobs included: politician, policeman (looks great in uniform by the way), construction work, pizza chef, automobile mechanic, and janitor. There is no job too embarrassing or difficult for your Andrew Unit to tackle. Of course, he could be prone to refusing to clean your bathroom, so be prepared for an adamant ‘no’ to that particular request. Ask yourself if you really could blame him for that.

CLEANING:

Cleaning is something that your Andrew Unit can handle on his own, although we recommend he use the ‘Angels Haven’ shampoo to make his hair extra shiny for those days in 'Angel of Death Mode'.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: My Andrew Unit has been getting a bit too cozy with the Monica Unit, should I be concerned?
A: Absolutely. This has been a long standing problem with these particular Andrew Units. Our recommendation is to check the emotion chip in your Andrew Unit’s brain. If he continues to act like Cyrano De Bergerac, then it is our belief that he has become too human and should be sent back to Celestial Realm Incorporated immediately for a full system analysis and replacement of the emotion chip.

Q: In relation to the romance issue, my Andrew Unit is sneaking off with a beautiful woman named Kristin, saying strange things like ‘I believe in Santa Claus’ and ‘Are we really going to the North Pole?’ What is going on?
A: Your Andrew unit got accidentally switched with the Bill Morgan Unit. Our suggestion would be call 1-800-ANDREW-AOD-IF-YOU-PLEASE to exchange the Units. Of course, many of our customers have enjoyed having their Bill Morgan Unit around, so might we recommend you keeping him? He’s a blast at parties and really fun at Christmastime.

Q: All the ginger ale in my house has suddenly disappeared, what gives?
A: You have discovered your Andrew Unit’s weakness. Check around to see if he has been meeting with an Adam 2000 Unit for ginger ale and freshly squeezed orange juice. If that is the case, then might we suggest that you start drinking something else like Diet Coke?

TROUBLESHOOTING:

Problem: My Andrew Unit has spent countless hours reading manuscripts and stories online. Before, he would shout ‘Oh Father in Heaven, No!’ as though having a nightmare, but now he’s starting to accept everything that he is reading. Something is dreadfully wrong, how can I help him?

Solution: Take the manuscripts away from him immediately and monitor closely how he is spending his time online! Most likely he has managed to get his hands on the plethora of romance stories that are out there. These are more harmful than an overdose of ginger ale / orange juice mix, in that they tend to scramble the Andrew Unit’s circuitry beyond belief. If that happens, there is only one thing to do, give your Andrew Unit several months of psychological treatments with our Tess Unit. You can order a Tess Unit by calling 1-800-I-NEED-A-TESS-UNIT-NOW and we’ll send one out straightaway.

Problem: But I already have a Tess Unit, and she seems to approve the Andrew Unit’s strange behavior. Now my Andrew Unit is spending too much time with the Monica Unit and it’s totally grossing me out.

Solution: There goes the neighborhood! You have a right to be concerned! We are as well. If Tess approves of this, then your Andrew, Monica, and Tess Units will have to be returned immediately (if not sooner) for even more extensive treatments with our newest Sam Unit. Under no circumstances should your Andrew and Monica Units be allowed to continue with their adverse behavior. If prolonged, it could lead to permanent brain damage and your Angel Units could forget that they are angels and start acting too much like human beings. Our suggestion would be to send all Angel Units back to the company and have our Sam Unit take care of the brainwashing they have endured. Not to worry, the Sam Unit is very reliable and when you have your Andrew Unit back, he will be acting like an angel and not some lovesick ninny.

Problem: My Andrew Unit has been depressed for several days. He withdraws into himself and seems to be very unhappy. He sits on the stairs and prays at my house and I just want to hug him. Is this normal?

Solution: It is sadly quite normal, but also very nice that you have noticed this particular situation in relation to your Andrew Unit. Sadly, although Andrew Units are quite good at offering a compassionate response to situations beyond their control, it is nice when the Units can be on the receiving end of such actions as well. A hug will generally help remind your Andrew Unit that he is not alone and that someone cares for him (platonically of course). The general reminder that God loves him makes the Angel Units just as happy as it makes the humans they share that truth with.

FINAL NOTES

Although there are some problems with owning an Andrew Angel of Death Unit, we feel that on the whole, you have purchased a product that will have long years of compassionate and interesting dialogue and friendship. The Andrew Unit (and other Angel Units) will make your life interesting, but it will often be difficult. Just keep the troubleshooting sections at close range and then there should be no problems.

We wish you years of happiness with your Andrew Unit, and remember, God Loves You!

Author's Note: This idea would not have been possible without the same idea being used in the 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' section of this site where both Willy Wonka Units were presented in stories by Sparrowed and Jareth's Genevieve. Without their work, this idea never would have been brought into this fandom. So thanks to them for inspiring me to write one.

Back