An
Email Account of Dye Day 2006 in Dyeland
From: Andrew
Date: Sunday, January 15, 2006
5:26 PM
To: J. Cutler
CC: AdamCop, Virgil,
Hockenbury, B. Morgan, T. Barrett
Subject: John’s birthday
Hello Jeff, Adam, Virgil, Doc
Hock, Bill, and Todd,
As I’m sure you remember,
John’s birthday is quickly approaching.
This year is my year to organize the gift delivery. If you plan
on purchasing a gift for our esteemed portrayer, please have it to me
no later than 6 PM on January 31st at my house in Dyeland. I will
deliver them to him that evening. If I’m not there Lady JenniAnn
has said she will collect the presents over at Willowveil and keep them
until I return. Please forward this message along to any of the
other guys if you’re aware of their email addresses. However,
please do NOT inform Mr. Manion of any of this. He showed up in
Dyeland on Sadie Hawkin’s Day and caused trouble. I really don’t
want to upset the ladies by having him around here. Thank you and
hope to see you soon. I hope each of you is doing very well.
Your friend,
Andrew
From: The Toddster
Date: Thursday, January 16, 2006
6:17 AM
To: Andrew
CC: AdamAngel
Subject: Re: John’s birthday
Hey there Andrew and Adam!
I was psyched to see your
email! Hey do you suppose there’s any
chance any of the girls there might be interested in doing a tasteful,
artistic calendar for John’s birthday? I think it would be a
nice, personal gift for him. What do you think?
And have you thought any more
about the idea I told you two
about? Surely you could find 10 other angels as good-looking as
yourselves! I’m telling you, that calendar would sell like ice
cream on a 100 degree day! Think about it, the jaded anti-men
women would buy it because you’re angels and hence out of their
derision. And the regular women would be impressed! So???
Todd Barrett
CEO of Todd Barrett Enterprises
From: Adam
Date: Thursday, January 16,
2006 12:32 PM
To: Andrew
Subject: Re: The Toddster- Is
he for real???
Greetings fellow potential
beefcake,
First, I think I would like to
formally change my name to The
Adamster. “Hello, I am an angel sent by God to tell you He loves
you and it’s time to go Home. I’ll lead you there. You can
call me The Adamster.”
Classy.
Can you please tell him we’re
not interested (I am assuming you’re with
me on this)? If we did something like this… there would be grave
consequences, my friend! As if those damn Veronica’s Secret ads
aren’t enough. Those women with the wings… in their
unmentionables! And if I hear he approaches any of the girls…
Gotta go. Just got the
call on a freak fax machine accident at
12:45.
Adam
From: Andrew
Date: Thursday, January 16,
2006 4:21 PM
To: AdamAngel
Subject: Re: The Toddster- Is
he for real???
Greetings O Prudish One,
Sorry. Monica was
reading behind my shoulder (the snoop) and saw
your email and made me type that. I have all ready responded to
Todd and assured him no such calendar will ever exist and strongly
suggested he not approach the girls about any other calendar. I
understand he’s now enrolling John in a “Chocolate of the Month
Club.” Of course John won’t like it but I’m not going to tell
Todd that since it’s stalled any other crazy gift ideas. Uh, hope
the fax machine assignment went well.
Your friend,
Andrew
PS It’s Victoria’s
Secret. Not Veronica’s.
PPS Just so it’s clear, I only
know this because Monica had an
assignment employed there and she has informed me of this.
PPPS Watch your language,
Mister! Love, Monica
From: Hockenbury
Date: Thursday, January 19,
2006 6:34 PM
To: Andrew
Subject: Re: John’s birthday
Hey Andrew,
Thanks for doing this.
you’re a groovy guy. I’ll be seeing
you.
Peace,
DH
“It ain’t me, it ain’t me, I
ain’t no fortunate one, no no no, It
ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no fortunate son, no no no.” ~
Creedence Clearwater Revival
From: Andrew
Date: Sunday, January 22, 2006
5:26 PM
To: AdamCop, Virgil, Hockenbury
Subject: Confirming gifts
received
Hello,
I just wanted to confirm that
I did get the book of koans and prayer
wheel from Virgil, the CCR boxed CD set from Doc Hock, and the
certificate for free karate lessons from your brother, Adam.
I’m sure John will enjoy them
all.
Your friend,
Andrew
From: B. Morgan
Date: Sunday, January 22, 2006
5:45 PM
To: Andrew, J. Cutler,
AdamCop, Virgil, Hockenbury, T. Barrett
Subject: Re: John’s birthday
Hello guys!
Sorry I didn’t get to this
sooner. Kristin and I just spent a
lovely week in Hawaii. Great news! We’re expecting! I
hope the little one looks just like her. Kyle and Brittany
couldn’t be more excited to have a little brother or sister. :-)
Kristin is making a cake for
John. I’ll bring it over as soon as
she finishes on the 31st. Hope your lives are going great!
Gotta go, we’re having a candlelit dinner.
Bill
{{{I <3 Kristin}}}
From: J. Cutler
Date: Eternity
To: Andrew
Subject: Re: John’s birthday
<<{{{I <3
Kristin}}}>>
Gag me. And another brat
enters the world! Just
kidding! Well, may be only partly. ;-)
How are you, Andrew? I
haven’t seen you in a while. I heard
you had some trouble last month. I hope that turned out all right!
Oh and you were so right, the
sunsets Here are gorgeous. Tom says
hi.
I’ll have my gift for John to
you ASAP.
Always,
Jeff
From: Andrew
Date: Monday, January 23, 2006
7:18 AM
To: J. Cutler
Subject: Re: John’s birthday
Hi Jeff,
Bill is definitely…
exuberant. 0:-)
I’m actually doing really well
right now. Just finished a great
assignment. I’ll tell you all about it next time I’m Home.
Last month? Well, it involved one angry, power-hungry doctor, a
few doses of psychotropics, a foolhardy but very loyal devotee, someone
claiming to be my son, a mass rescue effort, and lots and lots of
mildew. Dyeland certainly is… interesting. I can’t do the
experience justice in email and will tell you about that also when next
I see you. I certainly look forward to it!
Your friend,
Andrew
From: Lady JenniAnn
Date: Tuesday, January 31,
2006 2:19 PM
To: Andrew
Subject: We need to have a lil
chat
Dearest Andrew,
Why are there two women in
clothing that would give Adam a conniption
standing in my entryway and asking for you? They gave their names
as Sugar and Spice but I’m not sure which is which. And I highly
doubt those are there real names. I’m really confused…
Yours,
JenniAnn
From: Andrew
Date: Tuesday, January 31,
2006 2:58 PM
To: AdamAngel
Subject: Don’t go to Willowveil
Adam,
Just trust me on this and do
not go to Willowveil for at least another
hour.
A
From: AdamAngel
Date: Tuesday, January 31,
2006 3:35 PM
To: Andrew
Subject: Re: Don’t go to
Willowveil
Why can’t I go to
Willowveil? You know when you say that it just
makes me want to go to Willowveil. In fact…
You’re right. I
shouldn’t have gone to Willowveil.
Strapless tops are the least of their worries… Um, glad Monica’s
advising them.
Trustingly from now on,
Adam
From: Dyeland City Hall
Date: Tuesday, January 31,
2006 4:02 PM
To: E. Manion
Subject: Cease and Desist Order
Dear Mr. Manion:
It has come to our attention
that you have disregarded repeated
requests to have no further contact with the people of Dyeland.
You will find in Part 3, Section E of the enclosed copy of our prior
restraining order that you are not to send emissaries to Dyeland as
part of the agreement. Please be advised that if you fail to
comply with this agreement we will have no option but to prosecute you
to the fullest extent of our laws. You would most likely be made
to serve a sentence of up to seven (7) days in Miss Tess’ Refinement
and Etiquette School for Hypocritical Jerks. Seven days can be a
long time in aforementioned environment, I can assure you.
Sincerely,
Gerald Stone, Esquire
From: Andrew
Date: Tuesday, January 31,
2006 6:31 PM
To: Lady JenniAnn
Subject: Re: We need to have a
lil chat
Hello JenniAnn,
Sorry Miss Sugar and Miss
Spice showed up when I was away. I can
assure you I had no knowledge of their pending arrival when I left
Serendipity briefly to get some coffee with Monica. Mr. Manion
was not informed of our gift collection and so this was completely
unexpected. Rest assured, Mr. Manion has been dealt with and the
ladies are still being counseled by Monica over, what else, coffee.
Your friend,
Andrew
From: Lady JenniAnn
Date: Tuesday, January 31,
2006 7:04 PM
To: Dyeland List
Subject: Happy Dye Day one and
all!
Greetings Dyelanders!
Here’s wishing you all a very
happy Dye Day evening! Andrew’s off
delivering gifts but is due back in about half an hour. All are
invited to Willowveil Castle at 8:00 to toast John’s 43rd year.
Here’s hoping it’s one filled with the realization of his hopes and
dreams and the company of friends and family.
Fare thee well!
Lady JenniAnn
The End
Happy Dye Day
everyone! Hope to see ya in the chat!
JABB TOC
JABB 185
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